The Guardian

My motherin-law is so possessive about our unborn baby. What do I do?

If you would like advice on a personal matter, email ask.annalisa@ theguardian.com. See theguardian.com/ letters-terms for terms and conditions Annalisa Barbieri

I’m pregnant with my first child. My husband and I waited a long time to tell my in-laws because we knew all hell would break loose.

As soon as we told my mother-inlaw, she screamed and started throwing herself around in dramatic fashion. It became all about her. My in-laws then spent all evening pushing me for information I wasn’t willing to give. It was horrible – I burst into tears when I got home. We asked them not to get anything yet, but my sister-in-law insisted she was going to start buying stuff for the baby.

On another occasion, I sat on a wobbly chair and my mother-in-law grabbed me and said: “Don’t get into any accidents – you’ve got to look after my baby.” Incredulous, I asked: “Whose baby?”, to which she replied very firmly: “Mine.”

I find her behaviour inappropriate and offensive. We’re not particularly close with that side of the family, so I’ve no idea where this sense of entitlement has come from.

My husband says he will speak to his family before the baby is born and set boundaries – but I don’t believe he will. He shuts down whenever anyone says anything negative about his family. What should I do?

First, congratulations on your pregnancy – and I don’t blame you for wanting to keep yourself feeling safe emotionally and physically. In an ideal world your husband would deal with this. But as we all know, you can’t make someone behave in a particular way, and it’s very hard for people to be caught between their family of origin and their partner.

A new baby in the family can make people feel they almost have to reaudition for positions they hitherto felt were secure. Your mother-in-law’s behaviour sounds extreme, and I wonder if she’s used to being top dog. Her status will also be changing from mother to grandmother. Her grandstanding may actually be disguising some raw feelings. But those are for her to deal with.

I consulted Lisa Bruton, a UKCPregistered psychotherapist who does a lot of work around families. We discussed how, when we feel that another person isn’t listening to us, we start to feel like we have to be very prescriptive about what we’re going to do. This is totally understandable, but it rarely works, for the aforementioned reason – that we can’t control other people’s behaviour. So let’s be tactical.

Bruton said: “Instead of waiting for your husband to agree with you and act accordingly, enlist him in practical things. If you need to rant about his family, do it with someone else.”

Try to keep your husband out of the emotional in-law stuff: let him take the calls, and discuss when you’ll see them after the birth. When the baby is born, go and visit them if possible, so you control when you leave. If they have to come to you, invite a friend to be on “your side”.

Where is your mother in all of this? Does your mother-in-law fear your mum will become “favourite granny”?

At the moment, your mother-in-law is imagining holding a perfect baby. The reality may be very different. Also, babies puke and defecate. If I didn’t want someone to hold my baby and they wouldn’t take no for an answer, I’d say: “Oh gosh yes, please hold her, but be warned she’s puking for England at the moment.”

You will always be your baby’s primary focus, and no amount of histrionics will change that. I suspect your mother-in-law knows this.

LIFESTYLE

en-gb

2023-03-25T07:00:00.0000000Z

2023-03-25T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://guardian.pressreader.com/article/282454238235776

Guardian/Observer