‘I cannot tell a lie – I’d be lying if I told you that what I told you about No 10 parties was a lie’

I‘As prime minister, I did my utmost to fulfil my solemn duty. Namely, to say and do whatever was necessary to save my reputation and job’

Boris Johnson, do solemnly declare that what is in my dossier – the dossier which is mine – shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. Let’s hope there isn’t one. Or I’m a goner. Yes, I know this is a first and that I’ve told a lot of porkies in the past. But I really, really promise that what you’re getting from me this time is the truth, as agreed with my advisers. Which might look like lies, but are actually the highest form of truth. As two negatives equal a positive, so two lies equal the truth. Besides which, nobody thinks I’m a liar. Other than anyone who’s ever met me.

Misleading parliament. Although I accept that I misled parliament, it is categorically untrue to say I misled parliament. As prime minister, I did my utmost to fulfil the solemn duty of office. Namely, to say and do whatever was necessary to save what passes for my reputation and my job. So the facts are these. I may once or twice – or again and again – have misled parliament about illegal gatherings in Downing Street. But at no time did I ever do so deliberately.

Here’s what happened. If I have a fault, it is that I am too trusting. I had no knowledge of any parties; I was merely reading out what my advisers had written for me. I had no idea if it was true or not. So really, if there were lies in what they had written, they are the ones responsible. I was far too busy to have a clue what was going on or to take ownership of my words.

The parties that were not-parties. There has been a witch-hunt against me. All the parties I have been to were not-parties. They were work events. As such I believed it was completely in order for me to do what I liked. Besides which, “Party Marty” made the arrangements. I just signed them off. Like when everyone got pissed in the Downing Street garden. Carrie and I only joined the party to make sure it was a not-party and therefore allowed under the rules.

Ambushed by cake. A clear attempt by Rishi Sunak to get me into trouble. I’m glad he also got a fixed-penalty notice, as it was him who arranged for Carrie, Lulu Lytle and the rest to wish me happy birthday. And I absolutely never said, “This is the most un-socially distanced party in the country” at Lee Cain’s leaving do. Even if I had, no one would have been able to hear it over the karaoke, the throwing up in bins and the shagging in cupboards.

Sue Gray. In the past, I may have referred to Sue Gray as an exemplary civil servant. But now it has been brought to my attention that she is a commie spy who started talking to Keir Starmer long after her report was completed, it is only right that her entire report be discredited. She is a traitor to her country who was partly responsible for removing its world-king.

The courts. There was a time when I encouraged the Daily Mail to regard judges as “enemies of the people”. I now see I was a little hasty. The rigged privileges committee is not fit to judge me, having already lessened its burden of proof from “deliberately” to “recklessly” misleading parliament. Even though I’m obviously guilty of both. But now I demand a jury trial at which no one will be able to convict me because there’s no such offence on the statute book. Bozza gets away with it yet again! Hooray for me.

In sum: I never done nothing and no one can prove I did. Free the Boris One! You’ll never take me alive!