The Guardian

Baffled Rish! has a go at buttering up Biden, but even the chlorinated chicken is off the menu

John Crace

R‘My polls are rubbish, can’t do anything about inflation, the hospital waiting lists are up – I fancied a break, catch a ball game. High fives!’

ishi Sunak: Good morning Mr President. Joe Biden: Morning, er sorry, you are?

Sunak: It’s…

Biden: No, don’t tell me … It’s on the tip of my tongue. I’m sure I recognise you. You’re that guy who bought me that coffee in Belfast when I was over in Ireland.

Sunak: That’s right, Your Excellency. We also met in San Diego and Hiroshima.

Biden: Are you stalking me?

Sunak: No. I’m just a bit needy. We have a Special Relationship. Remember?

Biden: Do we? You’ll have to jog my memory …

Sunak: I’m the prime minister of the UK.

Biden: Of course. Good to see you, Rashi Sanook.

Sunak: It’s Rishi. Rishi Sunak.

Biden: Whatever. What brings you to Washington?

Sunak: I’m not sure really. Nothing’s going well at home. My polls are rubbish, I can’t do anything about inflation, hospital waiting lists are up. Anyway, I fancied a break. Plus I had loads of free airmiles after my brilliant Take Your Helicopter to Work scheme. And I wanted to catch a ball game. Go, Nationals! High five!

Biden: Glad, you’re having a nice time.

Sunak: So, what have you been up to?

Biden: Not a lot. Just a $1tn infrastructure act, fixing a two-year debt ceiling deal, fighting off the Republican crazies, other minor stuff. How about you?

Sunak: Rushed off my feet … don’t now where to start. But here goes. First I have been working on my five priorities. To halve inflation, grow the economy …

Biden: Sure. But what have you actually been doing?

Sunak: As I said, I have been working on my five priorities for the British people which I have promised. Let me tell you what my five priorities are. They are the five priorities on which I want the British people to judge me.

Biden: So, you haven’t really been doing that much?

Sunak: Well, as I said, my five priorities …

Biden: But what else?

Sunak: Well, let me see … I’m taking the Covid inquiry my government set up to court because it keeps asking for information that I want to keep secret. And I’m just about to OK Boris Johnson’s honours list.

Biden: So a disgraced PM still does the honours? Sunak: Sure …

Biden: You Brits crack me up. What else shall we talk about?

Sunak: How about a US-UK trade deal? Back in 2016 I and the Vote Leave team promised that an improved trade deal would be a Brexit bonus.

Biden: There’s no trade deal to be had any time soon. The UK’s not that big a deal since you left the EU.

Sunak: Not even a little deal? We’ll take the chlorinated chicken.

Biden: No chance. Maybe in five or 10 years. If then. Sunak: OK. But can we at least say we agreed not to talk about a trade deal?

Biden: If you like …

Sunak: It’d look good for my communique to the media. Oh, did I tell you about my five priorities? Biden: Is there anything else you want to say?

: My green card … any chance it can be renewed? I might need it again in a year or so.

Biden: Is that the time? Must be getting on.

National Politics

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2023-06-09T07:00:00.0000000Z

2023-06-09T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://guardian.pressreader.com/article/281672554342398

Guardian/Observer