Ask Philippa

My husband and daughter won’t speak to each other

He’d rather be right and lose his temper than be reconciled

The question We have three adult children: our daughter is the eldest and two sons. The boys have never been a problem, but our daughter’s resentment has created a rift. Last year, she sent an angry email to her father, accusing him of neglect and describing her childhood as miserable. In response, he sent one back criticising her for being difficult, argumentative and dramatic.

With hindsight, I realise she felt neglected compared to her brothers. I had to juggle the responsibilities of raising three children close in age, managing several house moves and caring for an elderly relative, my daughter wasn’t always provided with the attention she deserved. She exhibited rebellious behaviour and my husband lacked patience for her attention-seeking tendencies.

I decided to take the initiative to visit her. I acknowledged our mistakes during her upbringing, recognising that we prioritised her brothers. I genuinely apologised, conceding her points. Since then, our relationship has improved a lot. I regularly visit her, assisting with her baby, and she is happier than ever. She has a loving husband, a successful career and a wonderful child. Her resentment towards me has largely dissipated and she acknowledges I did my best and am not responsible for her father’s behaviour.

She refuses to allow her father to visit. Her husband supports her. There was a glimmer of hope at Christmas, but my husband’s anger resurfaced, with him stating he has no interest in maintaining a relationship if he is unwelcome at their house. How do I improve this heartbreaking situation?

Philippa replies I don’t think you’ve got a problem daughter, you have a problem husband. He doesn’t acknowledge or validate her experience. He would rather be right than be reconciled, and to protect herself from his influence or his temper, she has withdrawn from him, and this may be the best choice for her.

By expressing her grievances to him in writing, she has presented him with an opportunity for reconciliation – an opportunity that you embraced and have reaped the rewards from, but one that he has yet to seize.

You have seen your daughter’s upbringing from her point of view and are doing what you can to repair the rupture that happened in your relationship with her. You can do a bit more, though. I think unconsciously you are still allowing your husband’s influence, which may get in the way of how you are with her.

Number one is to stop thinking of her as a problem. She is not the problem. She has justifiable resentment, because she was not given equal billing with her brothers. Maybe this was down to your husband valuing boys more than a girl? Or I wonder whether, as you describe your sons as “never a problem”, your daughter was the family scapegoat? All of us have or cause problems at some time, but I wonder if your daughter had the blame piled on her for any family problem?

You describe her as “attention seeking”. Children resort to this when they don’t get enough attention. Or when they feel their brothers are adored and they are not. All behaviour is communication. Children do not have the articulation skills to say how they feel and what they need, so inconvenient behaviour is sometimes their only way to communicate unhappiness. She now does have those skills, but still your husband does not want to listen.

To give reconciliation a chance, play the Audible version of my book to him. It is called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did). He needs to hear about how ruptures in family relationships come about, how to repair them, and how not to get sucked into the winning and losing game.

I expect you feel stuck between two people you love. One has shown she can be flexible and is capable of reconciliation, the other only that he cares about being right and justifies it with name-calling and losing his temper. If the situation is to get unstuck, he will need to move from this rigid position to a more flexible one. I get the feeling that you accept your husband’s inflexibility and seem to be thinking your daughter should be the one to concede by inviting him to visit. He, however, does have a choice not to be stubborn.

I’m glad your daughter has a great life and that you can be a part of it. It is your husband’s choice not to acknowledge that his behaviour towards her provoked her behaviour towards him, he will either see this or refuse to, don’t let it get in the way of your relationship with her.